February 16th, 2023 -
The WORST FKNG DAY of my life.
The day my world shattered. The day my magnificent, gorgeous, intelligent,
funny, kind, and irreplaceable son, Max, was killed in a car crash...
Our doorbell rang that night... and in an instant, everything went BLACK.
How??..Why??..
What the FK just happened??!!
Since that moment, life as we knew it ended. We have been thrust into a
world no parent should ever have to know, a cruel, isolating, and
unimaginable existence. There is no name for what we are now. Widows lose
spouses. Orphans lose parents. But we?.. We have lost our child. There is
no word for this.
And yet, here we are, forced to breathe in a world that no longer makes sense.
Forced to wake up each day, learning how to exist without our Max.
It’s almost impossible to describe this new way of existence. It’s as if, all of a
sudden, we’ve become newborn babies, learning for the first time how to
breathe, eat, crawl, walk, talk, and live this new life we didn’t ask for.
It is unnatural. It is agonizing. It is a grief so deep, so consuming, that it feels
like we are constantly drowning , yet we survive it over and over again.
If you are reading this and you are a bereaved parent, I am deeply sorry. I
wish with all my heart that this “shitty club” didn’t exist , that you never
had a reason to be here. But since life has brought you to this place, I want
you to know, you are not alone. I’m grateful you found this space, and I am so
sorry you had to.
I will not tell you that time heals.
I will not tell you to “be grateful for what you still have.”
And I will certainly not tell you to move on.
What I will tell you is this:
It is as bad as you think it is. Maybe worse..
And if you are feeling broken, shattered, angry, guilty, or utterly hopeless
right now...that is okay. That is normal. You are not broken, you are in deep
grief.
You have been robbed of a future you should have had. Nothing about this is
fair.
But while you are struggling to hold on, I will hold hope for you. Until you
are ready to carry it yourself.
Take this grief one breath , one moment at a time, that is all you need to do
today. And as you slowly learn to breathe again, may grief walk beside you,
next to you, with you ..not as an enemy, but as a reminder of the LOVE that
will never fade. In time, I hope you find a way to make grief your friend and
learn to grieve with more love than pain.
I am here. You are not alone. We will survive the unsurvivable together.
With deep LOVE and GRATITUDE ,
Max’s Momz